1. Writing a book
Having a half-formed idea for a story which you scribble about for several weeks/months/years, with no real clue about what you are doing until you have already done it.
2. Editing a manuscript
Sitting in front of the computer in your pyjamas, pulling your hair out, whilst swearing and deleting stuff, wondering whether you even understand the concept of the written word.
3. Doing research for a book
Alternating between Facebook, Twitter and your project, gathering notes and screenshots, with a Google search history that places you in the same category as a spy/scientist/historian/superhero/sex addict/crazy person/murderer [delete where appropriate].
4. Querying agents (for the traditional authors)
Perfecting a letter that could get you elected as president. Emailing said letter to a literary agent, attaching your ACTUAL soul (the manuscript). Entertaining various mental states as you wait for rejection, then repeating the entire process. Times INFINITY.
5. Building an author platform
Standing in a small, holey bucket in a sea of internet content, screaming ‘Look at me!’ at passing seagulls.
6. Marketing a book
Running yourself ragged, reading every article known to humanity on marketing techniques, then resuming your (one-sided) conversation with the seagulls.
Connecting with fellow writers, then immediately comparing yourself to them, followed by curling into the foetal position.
8. Analysing book sales reports
Compulsively checking book sales and sales ranking, and returning to the foetal position.
9. Requesting reviews
Sending your book to other bookworms for free, so they can rip your writing to shreds in the public domain. (Or happily, NOT.)
Trying, failing, writing, rewriting, growing, learning. It sucks and it exhilarates you, in equal measures, but you do it anyway, because you love being a writer, and you cannot imagine NOT being one. JUST. KEEP. GOING.
And if you’re looking for something a little less… ridiculous and a little more helpful, check out my FAQ post for writing tips that don’t involve seagulls. Visit that post here: FAQs: Why are you a writer? How do I become a writer? And more…